He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
So here I am, sexting at work.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
