Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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