there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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