i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
