Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
