i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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