My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
