I just threw up on my dentist
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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