do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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