I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I want her autograph on my taint
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
