he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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