I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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