saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
BRING THE BAGELS
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
