You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
