Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
