He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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