The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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