there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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