What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You are the jesus of drinking
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
