This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
