Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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