These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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