she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
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