So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
