You can't motorboat a personality
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
