yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
