How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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