Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
