it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
