She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize