somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize