her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
