I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
