he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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