those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
