i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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