I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize