I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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