Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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