Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
