This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
