Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
