i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
