I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
