Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Send help, water and tortillas.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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