What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
