the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
