Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
