Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
