i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize