Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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