Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
