He kissed a someone with a penis
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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