the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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