He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
