marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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